Why Success Can Hold You Back

High performers are often the leaders in their field, and have had success overcoming the common psychological reasons keeping people from setting big goals and following their dreams (See How to Set Unrealistic Goals). They have the admiration, validation and respect from the people around them, so they must be doing something right and have their lives all figured out.

It all sounds logical, but somehow, the feelings don’t add up. Despite praises from others they often feel the very opposite on the inside. Grasping success intellectually is not the same as appreciating the experience internally. 

Does that sound like you?

If you are a high performer and you decide to pursue something, you are relentless, determined, and unstoppable. It’s simply not in your DNA to not aim high. And yet, as with each new challenge, as you continue to follow the steps you’ve always done to get to where you are today, for some reason, this time you are simply unable to make a dramatic impact. You might think, “I’m doing everything I can, but I still feel like I’m running in circles. What am I doing wrong?”

Well it’s not that you’re doing anything WRONG. In fact, the fact that you’re doing everything RIGHT according to what you’ve always done is precisely what is holding you back from your next level of success.

Your success is keeping you stuck. 

Time for a story.

Despite struggling with choosing a career and discovered the meaning of passion in college, I was so certain that I’d finally found my calling – becoming a psychotherapist- when I decided to get my master’s in social work. I had a naturally authentic and nonjudgmental presence that helped people to open up to me about secrets, traumas, and uncensored thoughts they’ve rarely ever talked about, if at all, to another human being. So after graduate school, I worked for an organization until I became trained to have my clinical license (LCSW) to practice independently, open up my own private practice, and finally be my own boss.

And then obviously I’ll live happily ever after…

But no that’s not how life worked out. The moment I think I’ve got it all figured out is exactly when I need to check myself. As I grew closer to being a fully licensed psychotherapist, I’d once again fallen into the pattern of being the all-knowing, fortune-telling, and never-could-be-wrong master at life. As it turns out, overconfidence and avoidance are alarming indicators of the opposite reality. Even without signals, you’d think that I’ve learned at this point that life is a continuous journey of discovery, full of twists and turns, and that to live fully is to live in a state of flow, getting comfortable with being uncomfortable, and investing into deep, authentic, and supportive relationships. Therefore, there are no shortcuts and fear is a measure of the amount of greatness to be attained. 

But as usual, philosophical wisdom is much easier thought of and said than to execute through action.

Many high performers have worked so hard to get to where they are, at the top of their fields, admired by the people around them, so it’s hard to let that go to pivot. Think about it, if you are already successful, and yet feel dissatisfied with where you are because you believe you are destined for more, then in order to uncover an entirely new state of brilliance, you have to shake things up and do things differently. Otherwise, practicing what you’ve always done will only lead to lead to incremental growth in a linear equation. Incremental growth comes from extrapolating your future. For example, you start with where you are right now, plot out your next few steps, and you can sort of see where you’d end up. Perhaps at one point this was good enough for you, but as a leader, you area always seeking to break new grounds and cross into new boundaries.

So you’ve grown too comfortable in life and are now realizing that you need to make a radical change. Where do you start?

For me, that was completely changing my routines, my environment, and step completely out of my comfort zone by taking my work remotely and traveling the world. It was a mix of doing something I’ve always wanted to do but kept putting off to doing “someday,” and throwing myself into a completely different lifestyle to accelerate learning and growth. After all, without having had a wide range of experiences or seen other ways of living with purpose and joy, my own imagination of a “dream life” was detrimentally limited. 

So let’s go back to the drawing board, and outline your vision. Not one you thought of ages ago, but one created by the person who’ve become up to this moment. Try to completely release any restraints on the imagination. This is where dreaming BIG and dreaming the IMPOSSIBLE all come into play. Because if you can see way up ahead, you are not dreaming big enough. It’s only when you feel like you’re feeling your way through the darkness is when you’re doing something completely out of the ordinary. It’s not to say that will lead to the type of achievement and success that you are seeking, but it’s a place to start.

It may feel as if you are walking through a fog, where you can only see 5 yards at a time, and you have to figure out the path as you go along. Or if you’re mountain climbing, and you are reaching for the next climbing hold, but have yet to pull yourself to a higher altitude. By definition, getting to the next level will be filled with uncertainties, because the point is that it is a new territory. For a while, it’s hard to see the path ahead, because you are paving the road as you move along. This is an uncomfortable place to be, and yet this is the most valuable place to be. Because what’s scarier than fear is the fear that I will give in to fear. Staying comfortable means that means not challenging yourself, growing, and dreaming big enough. So by these standards, success keeps you stuck, but getting uncomfortable guides you to exponential progress. 

I cannot invite you to dream the impossible without sharing one caveat: if you are seeking higher achievement for the sake of profit, recognition, wealth, or fame, you better reevaluate your vision. Another perspective on why your current success is keeping you from the next level, is that all this time, you’ve been chasing after what will fill the void in your heart. Perhaps you grew up in a very high-achieving family, and you became an ambitious high-performer in order to please your parents or to fulfill someone else’s expectations for your life. But this is why you are stuck, because chasing after those superficial labels of success will not get you to the top, where your mission in life need to be for something much greater than yourself. It’s that greater purpose that will keep you engaged throughout this journey. As long as you constrain yourself to believing that you are only capable of doing what can be expected and deemed as “important” by your immediate social circles and general societal norms you are selling yourself short, because you’re missing this entire part where your ability and willingness to let go of certainty and security and replace them with conquering fears and dreaming the Impossible could powerfully impact tens, hundred, thousands, millions, even billions of lives. Progress is led by innovators and those who dare to march into the unknown and pave their own path to purpose and fulfillment. Success as a destination is a scanty goal, so instead, ask yourself: How will I change the World?

The good news is that this is about mindset, and YOU have control over that. It’s that easy and yet that difficult. So if you’ve been feeling stuck about implementing a new strategy, starting a new business, adopting a new lifestyle, or redefining your relationships, then consider whether what has made you successful in this moment is precisely what is holding you back from your next level of success.

Life is full of metaphors so to help you reach the next level, you can practice being imperfect in other ways: 

1. Learn a new skill that you’ve never thought about learning. Maybe it’s juggling, underwater hockey, or playing the harmonica. Adopt a Growth Mindset and remember that it doesn’t matter what you choose to do. As long as you are open to trying the things that challenge your preconception of who you are, then you are making some daring moves, but in this case it’s low stakes. 
2. Experiment with discomfort. If you’re at the gym, suddenly just lay on the ground for 10 seconds, no need to explain to people what you’re doing, and then just get up and continue your workout as usual. Or wear a pair of crazy patterned sweatpants on the streets and watch as people glare at you in judgment and confusion. You’ll realize that nothing actually happens from these moments of shame, embarrassment, and feeling out of place. In fact, you are CHOOSING to put yourself into these positions so what do other people know? You’re unique and you own it.
3. In daily conversations, when someone asks you a question which stumps you for a moment, rather than feeling the pressure to provide AN answer or in general respond immediately try saying, “Can you give me a minute to think about it?” or “I don’t know, can I get back to you?” or “I’m not sure, but I know someone who can better assist you.” Be OK to not make other people happy or feel as if you need to answer to other people.

While I deeply admire and respect his intelligence, courage, vision, and impact, Steve Jobs does not fit into my own definition of success. However, I relate deeply to his words:

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart even when it leads you off the well worn path; and that will make all the difference.”

Steve Jobs

Even now, being the architect and designer of my own life, I still have moments of looking to other people for approval and second guessing my instincts. With each step, I am paving a new road, the map has yet to be drawn.

But the not knowing tells me that in this moment, I am right where I need to be.