TheXponential | Biyang Wang, LCSW | Why Am I Struggling In My Relationships? The 10 Most Popular Communication Mistakes

Why Am I Struggling In My Relationships? The 10 Most Popular Communication Mistakes

July 4, 2020 2 Comments Relationships Biyang Wang, LCSW

People talk a lot about what building effective communication skills for healthy and happy relationships. But to reach a destination, you have to first find the starting point.

Relationship concerns is one of the top issues for which clients seek out therapy. That’s no surprise, given that we are born into this world with a minimum of one person as a witness, and grow up in a world made up of people. Even if people isolate and avoid intimacy, love, empathy, and acceptance are some of the most indispensible human needs.

Communication is an important aspect of all relationships, not just for romantic partners, but for all relationships with friends, family members, colleagues, mentor/mentees, and even strangers. People in therapy are eager to get the “tips,” “strategies,” and “secrets” to effective communication, but it’s not as simple as a few sessions of psychoeducation. In order to change and improve, you have to first understand where the key issues lie, and understand your role in the matter.

This means identifying and acknowledging how your communication approach is sabotaging your relationships.

In this article, we discuss 10 common mistakes people make in communication to help you identify how they show up in your relationships.

Remember that this isn’t a quick fix, but it’s a worthwhile process to help you lead a life filled with love, meaning, and connection.

Which of the following play out over and over again in your relationships?

As you read about each pattern, reflect on an example from your life and develop a more effective dialogue for next time.

Absolute Avoidance

Avoiding conflict is a natural response to tension, because many people have unpleasant memories of negative coping patterns. They’re used to the idea of arguments turning into insults, the cold-shoulder, and unsatisfying results.

People believe that that they’re being nice or accommodating by not bringing hurt feelings or conflicts out into the open. That may be the less stressful choice in the moment, but hiding the issue doesn’t make it disappear. Overtime, small annoyances accumulate, and at some point, all the unacknowledged feelings come spewing out all at once. Then, there’s a big argument with an explosion of anger, hurt, and resentment, which creates a much larger fissure in the relationship.

However, disagreements will come up naturally between partners. It wouldn’t be much fun anyways to be with someone who is our exact replica. THere is a way to calmly and respectfully express one’s thoughts and feelings to the other person to increase mutual understanding and collaboration. When arguments are addressed in a timely manner, partners learn more about each other’s preferences, build trust in each other’s ability to be empathetic, and can allow the event to pass so that they can enjoy each other.

Reflect on what happens when you let discontent and hurt feelings simmer beneath the surface. How does it come out in passive and indirect ways? On the other hand, think about the time when you pushed through the initial discomfort, took a deep breath, and earnestly expressed your emotions. How did it feel after the air was cleared?

Playing Defense

People view conflict as being in battle. They anticipate being attacked and therefore walk into the situation suited with an emotional armor. Instead of focusing on the issue at hand, many people are quick to judge the conflict as a personal criticism.

When one partner raises a complaint, the defensive partner is someone who refuses to consider that they made a mistake, or at least have a role in creating the problem. This person often has a fragile sense of self, and is afraid that admitting fault is a sign that they’re not good enough.

When either or both partners deny their individual responsibilities and blame the other partner, there is no line of communication and no room for mutual understanding. Sure, you can successfully ignore the issue in the short-run, but the problem will come up again and again. Each time that the issue is ignored, the rupture in the relationship grows deeper.

People in a defensive state experience a rush of stress hormones, and a jolt to their sympathetic nervous system. When adrenaline is pumping through your body, the rational and empathetic parts of your brain are not functioning. It’s like in the movies, when the sound suddenly mutes and you only see the other person’s mouth moving and facial expressions.

If your partner comes to express a grievance, and you don’t consider it an actual problem, try to stay calm and consider your partner’s point of view. Even if you did or said something that was taken the wrong way, consider why your partner didn’t accurately perceive your intentions. When your partner feels heard, you can share your side of the story, and come to a middle ground.

Overgeneralization

When they feel hurt, instead of expressing and dealing with their feelings, some people seek relief by making gross generalizations. They’ll say, “You ALWAYS…” or “You NEVER…,” as in “You always take me for granted” or “You never listen to me.” It can feel satisfying in the moment to throw the punch, but when people bring up all the past conflicts in order to maximize the blow, all it really does is derail the conversation and escalate the negativity. It’s also hurtful to your partner when you diminish all of their positive and loving actions, as if they never mattered.

It’s uncomfortable to admit to someone that they’ve hurt you because you’re also admitting that they are important enough to hurt your feelings. It means being vulnerable, which can feel risky at times. But avoiding your own feelings at the expense of those of others is a sure way to stray further and further away from a satisfying resolution. If it’s stressful to talk about one issue, think about how exponentially stressful it is to drag in everything from the past, with an extra bag of insults.

Instead of spiraling or deflecting, try to pause and focus on the single issue at hand. Instead of listing all the dates, times, and situations where your partner has been late, get more specific about the current instance, and identify ways to prevent the issue in the future. It’s also important to acknowledge all of the positives in your relationship, and the ways in which your partner has shown you love and care.

Forgetting To Listen

Whether it’s being defensive, mind-reading, or contemptuous, some people shut down at the first hint of a discussion. They think, “Oh, I’ve heard this one before,” or “I know where this is going,” and instead of listening, they take the stance of “I know best.” When their partner is talking, some people are lost in their own thoughts, only paying attention to the parts that fit their stance. They’ve already formed an opinion at the beginning of the conversation, and have stopped listening since then.

Humans are rather adept at reading body language and attitudes, especially when it comes to the people they’re close to. Imagine that you are trying to express a concern to your partner, and that individual is glancing around, rolling their eyes, fidgeting impatiently, or constantly interrupting, you’re right to feel unheard and not listened to. At that point, you’re frustrated and hurt that you’re not getting your point across, and you’re no longer sounding calm and open-minded.

Being physically present doesn’t mean that you’re listening. In order to truly hear and understand someone, you have to pay attention to their words, not getting caught up in your own reactions, and awaiting your turn to respond. This increases the chance that you will receive the same treatment.

Maybe you’re used to zoning out during lectures back in your university days, but that won’t fly if you want to build fulfilling and supportive relationships. Although depending on your goals, that’s always an option.

Who's To Blame?

Some people fear that apologizing is a sign of weakness, and avoid it at all costs in a desperate effort to preserve a flawless demeanor. Oftentimes, they hold the shaming belief that mistakes say something negative about their self esteem and self-worth. Since they view apologies as a threat, they defensively deflect the blame to the other person.

The frustrating part is that not only do they refuse to discuss the situation, they likely trigger more conflict when they use shaming tactics to make other people the instigator. If you’re on the receiving end of the attack, it may make you less likely to bring up issues in the future. As a result, issues simmer under the surface, neither party feels heard, and trust continues to erode.

When emotions are heightened, instead of playing a game of Shame/Blame Ping-Pong, remind yourself that your partner is not here to attack you or accuse you of being not enough. After all, they’re in a partnership with you because they appreciate your positives. Take a few deep breaths if you find yourself gearing up emotionally for a battle, assess the situation from both sides, identify how all parties involved had a role in the matter, anc work together to find a mutually agreeable resolution.

It’s uncomfortable to take responsibility for our part and to admit our mistakes, but mutual expressions of empathy and vulnerability build trust and strengthen the relationship.

Always Being "Right"

When it comes to relationship concerns, most situations aren’t simply binary: right OR wrong, good OR bad, win OR lose. It’s one of the beautify and difficult aspect of forming deep connections: every situation has many layers and angles, with case-by-case variations, plus evolution over time.

It’s admirable to be someone with a strong sense of self and perspective, but that’s based on your specific set of experiences filtered through your perception of the world. You can be absolutely correct based on your interpretation of the world, but that is also true for everyone around you. Two people can have completely different understandings of the same reality, and neither one is Right or Wrong.

Some people are adamant about making sure that they hold the real truth, and everyone else is at fault. They’re only focused on proving their point of view, which means that they’re not truly considering the nuances of the situation.

We are each entitled to our own emotions and point of view. When it comes to relationships, it’s helpful to think of the relationships as a third entity with a unique perspective that’s generated from an amalgamation of the various opinions of the parties involved. This means that no one is absolutely correct, or wrong, because the most effective resolution is the one unique to the needs and health of the relationship.

All About Winning

Sometimes people turn a conversation into a power struggle. When every conflict is viewed as a conquest, people are no longer in the relationship for pleasure and support, but as a means to cover up insecurities and low self esteem.

If you often find yourself dismissing your partner’s feelings, discounting their pain, and minimizing the relationship issues being raised, you’re simply proving that you’re afraid of difficult emotions, and can’t handle truth. Real strength comes from being able to admit to one’s mistakes and express empathy, without fearing that one’s entire self worth is at risk. If you are truly confident and have faith in yourself, every conversation is an opportunity to learn about each other, which builds trust and deepens connection.

If you have an irresistible competitive itch, try sports instead. When you’re spending time with those you care for, it’s time to relax and put the armor away. If the roles were switched, and you’re with someone who is always trying to put you down, how would that impact the amount of time you spend with that individual?

Mind-Reading / "Psychoanalyzing"

When people get to know each other over time, they like to think that they have the other person all figured out. In the beginning of the relationship, people are more open and willing to learn about other person. When the initial novelty fades, some people get sloppy to …

When a seemingly mundane issue blows up into a disproportionately large argument, the problem is not about this single instance, but something bigger. Your being late to dinner (again) is not the issue; the problem is that your behavior send a message that your partner is not a priority. Sure, we’re all late from time to time, but the hurt comes from the meaning that people attribute to the action.

The truth is that even if we think we know what someone else thinks or feels, you can never truly know. In fact, some people are so detached and unaware of their own internal states, that they don’t know themselves.

Even if your partner forgets your birthday, it doesn’t mean that they don’t care about you, have never cared about you, or don’t value your relationship. Some people are truly unskilled at staying on top of their calendars, or didn’t set a reminder in the first place. Is it annoying? Yes. Can they do better? Yes. Are you upset? Yes. However, these perceived shortcomings aren’t direct reflections of their feelings toward you.

When you find yourself jumping to conclusions, pause, and directly ask for the answer. It’s important to ask the person, instead of having a dialogue in your own head. This allows for repair, and prevents the buildup of hostility, which worsens the injury.

Character Attacks

Instead of working out disagreements and processing hurt feelings, some people use any mistake by their partner and label it a character flaw.

Let’s set the scene: you walk into the house after a long day and find the house disheveled – dishes in the sink, dirty laundry on the floor, and half eaten cake from last week’s party. Then there’s your partner, chilling on the sofa watching their favorite reality show, TV drama, game series, etc. You can feel the anger shoot up your veins, and you burst out, “You are dirty, lazy, and insensitive!” Maybe you add on an “overgeneralization” of “You never care enough to help out around the house!”

Now the issue is no longer about the situation at hand, but about how your partner is fundamentally flawed and needs to consider personal change. Your criticism likely put your partner on the defensive, and what ensues are insults, name-calling, and bullying. In the end, everyone feels dejected, and the issue unresolved.

Harsh words and criticisms are ineffective behavior modifiers, and will only destroy people’s confidence and self-esteem. To be direct, if you truly think your partner is a terrible person, then why stay? Being in a healthy and happy relationship requires a willingness to examine one’s own behaviors, an openness to compromise, and the patience to lovingly accept each other’s imperfections. It’s supposed to be a dance, not a boxing match.

Stonewalling

While it’s true that people have their own style and comfort level when it comes to conflict resolution, disrespect and avoidance are not acceptable, as least if you want to build a loving and accepting relationship.

When one partner brings up an issue or concern with the relationship, some people will immediately become defensive, and put up a wall that says, “I don’t care. I don’t want to hear it. It’s not my problem.” How this manifests can be the person turning their backs and completely ignoring their partner, walking away, rolling their, eyes, and other displays of rudeness, disrespect, and contempt.

It’s exactly as it sounds: as if you’re talking to a wall, and can’t get through in spite your best efforts. It is draining, painful, and ineffective. After multiple tries, it will feel like you’ve been through the wringer, except nothing has been resolved. The only accomplishment is the successful chipping away and erosion of the trust and love between the two of you.

Next time you find yourself running away from relationship problems, consider what are you really afraid of?

Effective communication can improve the quality of your relationships by deepening the connection and building trust between you and the person you care about. The opposite is also true: poor communication can weaken relationships by magnifying tension and generating mistrust, hurt, loneliness, and even contempt.

We each grow up witnessing the interaction and communication patterns of our caretakers. If you were exposed to ineffective communication practices early on, you may find yourself reflexively resorting to these patterns in your current adult relationships. However, even if you had poor communication role models, healthy communication is a skill to be learned and cultivated. The first step is recognizing the negative and even destructive attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors that exacerbate conflict in your relationships. Then, you can identify alternative communication methods to build and strengthen your support network.

If you find yourself struggling with many of these patterns, be gentle and patient with yourself. It’s not easy to deepen self-awareness, or else it would’ve been taken care of a while ago. It takes practice, and some trial and error.

It’s also important to remember that communication is a two-way street. As you’re changing, keep your partner in-the-loop. Sometimes, when we grow and improve, the people around us may feel uncomfortable initially, and even show resistance. If some things aren’t working, it’s not all on you. At the same time, we can’t force other people to change when they’re not ready or unwilling. You can do your best to set an example and offer support, but pay attention to setting the proper boundaries.

Small steps, baby steps, one day at a time… as the sayings go. Start with one that resonates with you the most, and build confidence with small wins.

What’s your first pick?

We are here for you! Our therapists can support and guide you along the process.

Please don’t hesitate to reach out!

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