TheXponential | Biyang Wang, LCSW | How To Challenge Shame: Journey To Recovery

How To Challenge Shame: Journey To Recovery

June 9, 2020 No Comments Courage,How To Cope,Navigating Change,Recovery,Teens & Young Adults Biyang Wang, LCSW

Shame is one of the most powerful influences fueling addictions, eating disorders, and unhealthy relationships. While the experience of shame may be different between individuals, a sense of a wave of hotness washing over our body, our skin flushing, a weight hitting our stomach, and a dark gray cloud hanging above. It’s also accompanied by intense negative self talk, lack of motivation, self-destructive behaviors, emotional numbing, and hopelessness.

Shame can flare up situationally, such as we are criticized for a mistake, ignored when we are hurt, don’t reach a goal that we desired, lose a relationship, or suffer an injustice. It can also be a pervasive belief and attitude that prevents people from fully engaging with life, sometimes perpetuating cycles of abuse, suicidal ideation, and violence. At its core, shame is the feeling that one is bad, worthless, unlovable, defective, and broken. Whereas “guilt” is the feeling you did something bad or wrong, shame is the feeling that you as a human being and at your core, are bad or wrong. It’s not a negative reaction to a specific event, but a sharp blow to the core of your being.

When babies come into this world, they are not born full of shame. Shame is something that is learned throughout one’s development from the people, customs, institutions, and biases that surround us. It’s reinforced by others who have also inherited this narrative, as they externalize their shame onto you.

If it’s learned, then it can be unlearned. The first step to challenging shame is to understand the underlying beliefs that trigger the shame response. Like all feelings, shame is real and carries important messages, but it’s not fact. It takes effor and patience to identify the ways in which these beliefs show up in your life, and courage to call it out, and fight back.

You don’t have to do it alone. In fact, shame feeds off of secrecy and isolation, so identify the people, places, and communities that provide support, love, and acceptance. Often, they are the ones on their own anti-shame journeys. They are the ones who are blunt but kind, assertive but quick to admit their errors, and depressing but with unabashingly inappropriate humor. When you surround yourself with people who practice unconditional kindness and acceptance, you will begin to heal and learn to appreciate your uniqueness. Don’t be afraid to let these people in. At the worst, they talk the same shame shit, but most likely at the best, they show you a different experience of being human.

Below are common underlying Shaming Beliefs, each with detailed explanations on the origins, associations, and questions aimed to guide you in uncovering your personal beliefs. The Shaming Beliefs may not be identically true for you, but act as a starting point for figuring out the thoughts and feelings associated with your experience. Similarly, the sample Affirming Beliefs can help you find healthier and more supportive ways of self-talk. Many find it helpful to first read through the entire list once, and take note of the ones that resonates the most Be mindful of what comes up for you – thoughts, emotions, people, experiences, events, etc. – as you consider each one. Many beliefs share common themes, build on each other, and often show up simultaneously when shame is triggered.

A full recovery from shame may take years, but it’s not an All-or-Nothing process. With greater awareness, practice, and intention, you will find yourself feeling more empowered, energetic, and peaceful in multiple area of life. You may also see a change in how you approach challenges, relationships, and decision-making process. You may also experience increased discomfort at the beginning, as you reveal and process difficult feelings. Don’t be afraid to take a break if it becomes overwhelming and come back with a refreshed mind. Please don’t hesitate to reach out for professional support, who can provide more structured and individualized guidance to help you safely and effectively navigate this journey.

Change is neither easy nor simple. It’s easier said than done. Recovering from shame takes a lot of courage, and I acknowledge you for taking this bold step. The goal here is not a destination, but the process itself. Speaking as a fellow traveler and as a witness and guide to my clients, it’s a worthwhile journey to a life of honesty, authenticity, and meaning.

Shaming Belief

Affirming Belief

Shaming Belief

“I am valuable for what I do.”

Doing vs. Being

You were born with inherent human worth. However, as you grow older and internalize messages from the outer world, you start to believe that your value comes from what you DO, not for who you ARE. This is fueled by an over-emphasis on using achievement and performance to determine your worthiness, and whether you are deserving of love and acceptance.

You may have grown up in an environment where you are constantly compared to others based on grades, awards, status, and possessions. As a result, you become dependent on external achievements to provide the illusion of calm and confidence. But inevitably, when you encounter life challenges,

Growing up, what were the messages surrounding self-worth? What influences have led you to believe that you are valuable for what you do, not for who you are? How have these early influences shaped your decisions about education, work, interest, relationships, and priorities?

Now that you are more aware of how this belief has impacted your qualify of life, what are the qualities and strengths unique to you that make you an invaluable member of humanity?

Affirming Belief

“I am valuable for being who I am.”

Shaming Belief

“I must always do more. There’s no room for rest.”

Overachieving

Parents want the best for their children and try to give them all the advantages in life. Nowadays, people often don’t blink an eye upon hearing about a 5 year old participating in 3 sports teams, learning 2 instruments, getting tutored in 2 foreign languages, and attending academic enrichment courses. Somehow, living a normal childhood, filled with play, exploration, and friendships is unacceptable.

Your parents may reserve compliments and express love only when you bring home Straight A’s, first-place medals, and acceptance letters, and fail to appreciate your hard work and progress. Everything becomes outcome-based, and all of your hard work can be erased in an instant if you didn’t get precisely what you wanted.

The bar gets raised higher and higher. The life you are living in the present is for the sake of some higher achievement in the future. Nothing is good enough. You can always do more. Look at so and so, why can’t you do that?

Whew. That’s a heavy load to carry.

Where did the rule of always needing to do more come from in your life? What are the things truly meaningful for you, and what are the things you’re only doing for external validation?

What is something in your life that you can do less of? What is something enjoyable that you can do instead to take care of yourself?

Affirming Belief

I am doing my best, and that’s enough.

Shaming Belief

“I will always fall short of expectations.”

Never Good Enough

If you’re an Overachiever, you believe that you can never try or work hard enough. You’re on a perpetual hamster wheel, where achieving one goal is no time for rest; there’s only the next goal, and the next, nothing in the here and now.

If you also believe that nothing is ever good enough, you can do your best but still fall short of expectations. Sometimes, even when you’ve met the original goal, instead of savoring the accomplishment, you can only think, “No big deal. It could have been better.” The purpose of reaching one goal is so that you can start on the next one. It is often taught by parents who withhold acknowledgement and encouragement, and focus more on comparison and outcome.

It’s a natural part of human nature to desire self improvement, which requires the belief that there’s always something better. But that’s different than never giving yourself credit for the progress you have made, and believing that since there’s always room for improvement, then there’s no such thing as “good enough.”

What were the messages you received growing up surrounding achievement? Who and what taught you to believe that your best efforts and most hard work are never good enough?

What is something that you’ve worked very hard for in your life? What is something you can do today to take a moment to pause and acknowledge that this is something to feel good about?

Affirming Belief

“I can feel proud of my hard work and accomplishments.”

Shaming Belief

“I must never make mistakes, or I’m a failure.”

Perfectionism

It’s a part of human nature to learn and grow, not just in the biological sense, but intellectually, emotionally, socially, psychologically, and spiritually. This motivates people to self-improve by picking up new skills, build knowledge, and commit to personal growth.

This is not the same as perfectionism.

Perfectionism is quite the opposite of a growth mindset. This is when you believe that faltering or making a mistake is unacceptable, and therefore everything that you do must meet some flawless standard. You have a rigid mindset when it comes to what is acceptable and good.

However, an inherent part of learning is that you begin as a novice, without the adequate skills, which by definition means that you will make errors and stumble. Therefore, a perfectionist has a hard time picking up new hobbies, taking risks, and pursuing challenges. When you’re more worried about external appearances and gaining approval from others, it’s difficult to experience the joy and satisfaction from living a full and stimulating life.

When did you begin to inherit this belief? How has this belief kept you from participating in new experiences?

What is something you can pursue without fear of the outcome?

Affirming Belief

“I can make mistakes, and still be lovable and talented.”

Shaming Belief

“I will never achieve what I want in life.”

An Eternal Failure

You were not born with a critical, demeaning, and abusive voice in your head. Unfortunately, you may have grown up around people who externalize their own insecurities by telling you that you never do anything right, you will never reach your potential in life, and you will always be less-than other people.

As you get older, you don’t even need other people to demean you because you’ve now taken over that role. When you are excited for a new opportunity, that Inner Critic jumps right in to mock you and tear you down, so you give up before you ever had the chance.

Who are the voices of your Inner Critic? What events or experiences contributed to this belief?

What are the challenges you have overcome? What have you done properly today?

Affirming Belief

“I have many strengths and will continue to achieve my goals.”

Shaming Belief

“I must always make other people happy.”

Chasing Approval

It feels nice to be acknowledged and appreciated by others, but it’s tiring to constantly look outside of yourself when making decisions about your own life. How do you know who to please? After all, it’s natural for people to have differing opinions. Logically, it’s impossible to consistently ensure 100% approval ratings. Emotionally, however, when you lose touch with your inner world, searching outside seems more definitive.

You have a lot of creative ideas and a unique way of getting things done, but you feel that it’s all meaningless unless other people approve. This often stems from being raised with conditional love and support, where you only experience acceptance when you meet someone else’s expectations, and are otherwise overlooked, neglected, and ignored.

It’s tied into “Doing vs. Being,” where you come to believe that your inherent worth is measured by the outcome of your actions, and not for simply being you. With Approval Seeking, you take this a step further to believe that everyone else have the same belief, so that even your actions aren’t worthy without external validation.

What led you to believe that you need external approval to be lovable? How has this belief impacted your choices and relationships? Oftentimes, what other people think comes from their personal experiences and beliefs, and not much to do with you or anyone else in particular.

What is something that you want to do but have yet to because others have expressed judgment and doubt? Try to do a reality check – how much do they really know about you and the situation to draw such a conclusion?

Affirming Belief

“I can’t please everyone, so I might as well be myself, and let other people take care of their own reactions.”

Shaming Belief

“I’m not really important.”

Low Self-Esteem

This is a belief that you are an inherently unworthy and bad person. This often comes from growing up in an environment with a lack of love, appreciative, acceptance, validation, and affirmation. Instead, you are more accustomed to being criticized, dismissed, and belittled. As a child, you don’t understand why the people around you are so harsh, so you assume that you are the one who is causing the negativity.

Overtime, you learn to accept that your feelings, needs, and wishes are not important. When you are around other people, you view yourself as the least important of the group, and allow other people to take over.

What life experiences have led you to believe that you are undeserving of joy and attention? How do these beliefs affect how you show up in your life?

Instead of habitually putting yourself down, what are the things you most appreciate about yourself? If you have a difficult time coming up with your own list, enlist the help of your friends and family by asking them what they enjoy most about spending time with you. Keep a list of your positive qualities, talents, and strengths nearby for when you’re feeling down.

Affirming Belief

“I am worthy and deserving of love, respect, and acceptance.”

Shaming Belief

I am so messed up and have no future.

Self Critical and Self Hating

You weren’t born with a particular viewpoint of yourself as an individual, or in relationship with others. In fact, that’s part of the magic of human development, that we are able interpret our experiences to inform our future ideas and behaviors.

But somehow, whether it’s due to your caretakers, your environment, societal messages, or your personal experiences, a message sets in telling you that you are unworthy, incapable, and an utter failure. It sounds harsh right? Unfortunately, many people who have experienced or are currently experiencing physical, mental, emotional abuse or neglect, and/or have repeatedly experienced a loss of control over life.

When you constantly treat yourself with disdain and loathing, you feel a sense of control over the reasons for your unhappiness, and a sense of reassurance for why you’re not living the life that you want. It also contributes to a Victim Mentality, which is (as a reminder) a belief that you have powerless and incapable of changing your circumstances and inner state. After all, if you are such a despicable and worthless person, no wonder you’re in a shitty situation.

This isn’t meant to be unkind towards you, but to remind you that no matter what happened in the past and how much injustice and pain you’ve faced, your inherent worth as a human being means that you hold the inner power to decide at any moment to stand up for your dreams. This may be an uncomfortable process, but one you’re capable of.

Who or what led you to develop self criticism or self hate? How has this played out throughout your life?

What can you do to help release yourself of the past?

Affirming Belief

I will make mistakes because I’m human, but I am intrinsically worthy and capable.

Shaming Belief

I can never be completely open with someone, because they won’t accept the real me.

A Real Imposter

Based on the other beliefs underlying shame, you may have masterfully crafted a lifestyle that you display on the outside, but hide the realness on the inside. It’s how you protect yourself from the cruel world, which is the only type of world you know. So you decide that your inner truth is irrelevant, as long as you appear fine to the world.

Interestingly, when you succeed and others praise you for all of your achievements and admire how self-sacrificing, indestructable, and perfect, you feel even worse. The goal might have been to let external validation substitute for your lack of self acceptance, but true to its power, Shame finds another way to turn that aginst you.

Now, the voice tells you that, “Wow, don’t get too relaxed. Once other people find out how messed up you truly are, your world will come tumbling down.” You fear that if anyone gets know the real you, surely they leave, reject, and abandon you. So what now? You are more desperate as ever to make sure that your visage never cracks, so you put on another layer of armor, and another, and another.

But life doens’t have to be this way.

In your family or community, what were the secrets that you had to keep? Who and what has hurt you so deeply that you shut off from finding connection?

What is a time in your life where you experienced an act of kindness or generosity? Who is someone in your life you can trust?

Affirming Belief

I can share my secrets and insecurities with the people I feel safe with and trust.

Shaming Belief

”I must do things one way or they will never work. “

Black and White Thinking

You believe that it’s either right or wrong, only one right choice or answer, one shot, one path; it’s now or never.

The thing is you are unique and unlike anyone else. Who gets do decide what is right, or wrong? You learn to look outside of yourself to what is acceptable and lauded by other people. You are unable to manage uncertainty, so you seek an illusion of control by seeing everything as a matter of winning or losing. It’s likely that you were raised in a judgmental environment with an over-emphasis on right/wrong & good/bad ways of thinking, feeling, behaving, doing, and engaging.

Life is not a multiple choice test. What others have accomplished resulted from their unique experiences, decisions, and qualities. It’s like copying someone else’s answers when the teachers mixed up the order of questions for each student. You’ll probably pick up a few right answers, but it may be the answers to the wrong questions.

This belief really hurts creativity, innovation, and growth. Breakthrough technology and human advancement is only possible when someone decides to step off what’s already been done, and dare to design a new blueprint. If you’re craving external affirmation and validation for the sake of feeling special, black-and-white thinking makes you unoriginal.

Who or what taught you this rigid mindset? What rule(s) or behavior(s) do you rigidly follow?

How can you loosen this desperation for control, and allow yourself to see the gray areas within the spectrum?

Affirming Belief

“I can be flexible and open-minded about my options.”

Shaming Belief

“I will do whatever others want me to do, and be whoever others want me to be.”

Blurred Boundaries

Children are not able to care for themselves, so they depend on the adults in their life to satisfy their basic needs, not only physical, but for love, safety, acceptance, validation, and encouragement. Ideally, these more mature humans can take care of their own needs and manage their emotions, but it’s not uncommon for the roles to be reversed, and the children are responsible for keeping the adults happy by not being fussy, complain, cause trouble, and stay quite.

Growing up in their type of environment, you quickly learn to stay small and not take up too much space. You might have been forced to do things that don’t feel safe, loving, or respecting. As a result, you learn to shut down your own needs and emotions in order to prioritize others.

Even when you have more resources and freedom to take care of yourself, you continue to reflexively please others, feeling powerless to stand your ground. It’s an exhausting and painful way to live, but old patterns feel comfortable.

Where did you learn to abandon yourself? Who were the people growing up you had to please in order to survive?

What is something you can do for yourself? What are the qualities you most appreciate about yourself?

Affirming Belief

“I am in charge of my own decisions, and will always do what is right and safe for me.”

Shaming Belief

“I can’t do anything to change or make things better.”

Victim Mentality

You don’t think that you are capable of improving your life, or changing your circumstances.

Sometimes, that’s a perfectly valid belief, which you may even deem your reality. When you’ve endured trauma, or faced situations where you were forced to leave your social support network, take a break from professional pursuits, and lost the ability to find joy in the things you used to enjoy. You are frustrated, feel stuck, and uncertain about when things will fully reopen. Even though you’re right that you can’t change your past or erase the pain, you have control and awareness of the present moment. You can choose to have a different response and interpretation to improve the life you’re living right now. This is inner work, not something to fix on the outside.

The Victim Mentality often comes from having experiences repeated failures in being independent and capable to satisfying your own needs. You might have tried your hardest to overcome those challenges, and after repeatedly falling short, now feel dejected and hopeless about a different outcome. You try to avoid potentially challenging and difficult situations so that you won’t ultimately endure the inevitable pain.

What has happened throughout your life that has led you to anticipate failure? How has this belief shaped the choices you’ve made? How has holding on to this belief benefited you in the past? How is it working out for you currently?

What’s something that continues to keep you stuck in a rut? Even if you can’t completely change the external circumstances, what is something that can help you feel the tiniest bit more alive TODAY?

Affirming Belief

“I have the power to make changes and help myself get better.”

Shaming Belief

“I must always be the one to take care of everything and everyone else first.”

Mediator

When people come from very chaotic environments, where emotions are silenced and conflict easily escalatest, there’s one individual who ends up taking on the burden of the peacemaker. You’re often the one being blamed for the dysfunction and unhappiness in the family. In reality, you’re not the one with the issue; you’re the unfortunate receiver of other people’s anger, helplessness, and shame. They need someone to blame their problems on, being too afraid to cope with it themselves.

It’s often a survival mechanism when you undertake the responsible of the peacemaker, mediator, and emotion regulartor of the family. Overtime, you automatically shut down your own emotions and needs in order to de-escalate the conflict, instead of adding fuel to the fire. It actually feels easier to stay quiet and out of the way, because shutting down blocks out the pain.

But shutting down doesn’t make it go away.

When did you learn to be responsible for other people’s problems and pain? Who were the people you most often took care of?

How did this strategy serve you at the time? How has being overly responsible for others negatively impacted your life?

You can learn to differentiate what is under and beyond your control. You can let other people deal with their own stuff, so that you can focus on understanding your own struggles, build resilience, and pursue only what matters to you.

Affirming Belief

“I am not responsible for other people’s roles, and can prioritize my own needs.”

Shaming Belief

“I need to make sure that everything is peaceful and everyone is happy at all times.”

Total Conflict Avoidance

So many people come from families where disagreements lead to raised voices, threats, demeaning comments, rising tension, and a lack of clear resolution. As a result, “conflict” has a negative connotation, often associated with frustration, anger, and potentially violence. So we get it in our heads that the goal is to avoid conflict altogether.

However, dissenting viewpoints, misunderstandings, and hurt feelings are inherent in human interactions, especially in more intimate, long-term, and dependent relationships. When you decide to maintain the peace “at all costs” and to never “rock the boat,” you’re only sweeping issue under the rug without resolution. Over time, unexpressed frustrations and penned up emotions turn into resentment, which then manifest in other areas of the relationship. Even without words, we send clear messages with eye-rolling, cold shoulder, frowning, zipped lips, curtness, withholding affection, tsk-tsk’s, and other signals. This also causes ruptures in the partnership.

If this all sounds way too familiar, it’s time to consider being more open, honest, and assertive with your partner. It doesn’t mean that every conversation is about a grievance or a severe sit-down ordeal, but keep in mind that the momentary discomfort of working through conflict is worth it in order to sustain a happy and healthy relationship. Moreover, the process of rupture and repair lead to increased trust between the partners as they can count on other person to work through the difficult times, instead of simply walking away.

How did you learn to vilify conflict? What issues and conflicts do you attempt to avoid the most? How has that been working out?

Affirming Belief

“I can express my feelings and have an open and respectful discussion to address hurt and conflict.”

Shaming Belief

“I will never belong because I am unlovable.”

Fear of abandonment

Basic human needs aren’t just about food, water, and shelter. Studies show that newborns who were separated from their mothers and lacked human touch showed stunted brain development and a diminished ability to interpret human emotions.

Basic human needs also include nurturance, love, acceptance, security, and attention, to name a few. When children do not feel secure with their caretakers, due to abuse, neglect, or extreme criticism, they conclude that the issue is their own lack of worthiness. Even in moments of safety, you are vigilant and on-edge, anxious that you will be rejected and tossed aside at any moment.

As you grow older, you may find yourself insecure in your relationships, constantly looking for evidence of betrayal, and setting up situations to test the other person’s level of commitment and love. Instead of fully enjoying the pleasure of being with your partner, you are distracted by fear and insecurity. Since you can’t fully control someone else’s behavior, you try to regain control by searching for evidence and signs of the eventual abandonment.

What do you remember about early experiences with emotional insecurity and fear of abandonment? How has this belief evolved over the course of your life? How has this impacted your relationships?

It’s scary to have confidence in others and offer trust when you’ve experienced the opposite in your past. But don’t let that take away from your present joy. Who are the people in your life (past and present) that have made you feel cared for, accepted, and important? What were the actions and words that provided a sense of security?

How can you maintain these connections?

Affirming Belief

”I am a very lovable and caring person that other people enjoy being with.”

Shaming Belief

I should only depend on myself and don’t need other people to support me.

Paradox of Needs

Our society glorifies power, strength, and independence. Along with that belief, we are often told that power means domination, strength means that vulnerability is a weakness, and independence means to never ask for help or reveal our desires.

This association with having needs as bad and not having needs is good means that we learn to bury our feelings deep inside and to never ask for help in fear that we will be ridiculed, abandoned, and despised. This often comes from experiencing neglect and lack of caring from parents who, due to their own lack of love, are unable, unwilling, or uneducated to meet their needs of their children.

When you fell down and scraped your knee, were you ever told to stop crying and toughen up? When you needed comfort and reassurance, were you ever called a burden or told to “just get over it?” Over time, you internalize the message that the only way to be accepted is to wear an armor at all times, ignore your pain, shut down your emotions, and go through the world alone.

How did you learn to deny or disown your wishes and desires? What has been the impact on your personal, professional, and relationship decisions? What are the needs you are most afraid to express?

Fear is often a mask for desire. Let that guide you to joy, fulfillment, and peace.

What is something you’ve long wished for but are afraid to acknowledge?

Affirming Belief

I can share my innermost fears and dreams, and

Shame is a matter of survival. It may have served you well in the past by protecting you from the pain inflicted upon your beyond your control, and giving you an illusion of control to help you get by in life.

But Living In Shame is no way to life. Life is not about surviving, but thriving.

If you recognize the roles that shame play in your own life, don’t despair. A pattern that shows up among these beliefs is that shame is a feeling fueled by a learned set of beliefs. Shame itself is not wrong or bad; shame is a feeling that is triggered by external events and circumstances, but its impact comes from these underlying beliefs that we attach to these moments.

You don’t need to forgive, forget, feel better, or have any expectations for how your thoughts, feelings, or behaviors may or may not change. Whether it’s shame or anything in else in life, don’t let anyone or anything else tell you how things “should” be. Recovery is a very personal and intimate journey, one that takes courage, patience, effort, time, and resilience.

The things about Recovery, is that the Journey itself is the purpose. As long as you don’t give up and keep moving: putting one foot in front of the other maybe a few steps back now and then, a few side steps… that’s you doing it!