TheXponential | Biyang Wang, LCSW
Remote Psychotherapy & Consulting
Remote Psychotherapy & Consulting
You know the Drill.Â
“Hi! How are you?”
“Fine! How are you?”
“Fine!”Â
That’s such a standard script that for most people that it has essentially become a reflex. When was the last time you actually paused after the first question, thought about how you actually feel in the moment, and then shared it? For most people, it’s far a rare or non-existent occasion because a). Do people actually want to know about your personal issues? b). Do you even trust this person? c). It’d feel too vulnerable.
There’s nothing wrong with a smile and cheerful greeting, but it has gotten us in the habit of keeping a positive persona, but never finding the emotional release that happens from talking about our struggles and difficult feelings. Over time, the act of pretense becomes internalized, so that we leave it in the very back corner of our mind, forgotten.Â
But the results can be devastating. It brings about a sense of shame, loneliness, and depression that eats away at our self-esteem, darkens our outlook on life, and keeps us from developing deep relationships. To share with others about our financial troubles, career frustrations, relationship breakdowns, feeling overwhelmed, or just the chronic underlying listlessness feels too vulnerable for most people to overcome. What would others think of me? Will they think I’m weak or incapable? What would that say about me?Â
So when everyone thinks in this mentality, the no one talks about the hard stuff. And in an endless cycle, we all believe that other people have perfect lives and that we are the only ones dealing with it.Â
Even if we intellectually know that everybody has gone through or is going through something, it’s hard to emotionally feel the same way when we all stay silent.Â
What are some of the most common things that people think about but that no one talks about? In no particular order, my clients have revealed the following:
That’s not an exhaustive list, but they point out some stressful and common areas that often lead people to seek help from a professional. Of course, you may experience these issues (if at all) at various times in your life, on various levels of intensity, and with a different set of consequences, but nevertheless, it’s the stuff that we believe we MUST hold inside and that can absolutely NOT be spoken aloud. Â
Because everyone thinks:Â What if it’s just me?
In the end, the problem itself is not the problem. Maybe problem is not even the right word, because life is full of ups and downs, and at any given moment, our lives may be leaning towards feeling more stressed out, content, or exhilaration. Quite often, we live in the zone between the extremes, and it’s difficult (also unnecessary) to over analyze your experiences.Â
The trouble becomes when we keep things on the inside, so much so that we do not seek help when we need to or wait until a nervous breakdown before seeking out help.Â
Here are a few things to consider that may help you open up about vulnerable situations:
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With all this said, some things are intellectually easier to understand, but are hard to implement. So how can you begin he opening-up process?
Follow this line of logic:
Just remember that no one is perfect, and that our lives are filled with imperfections, which is inevitable to being human. Accept that you can intellectually know this fact, and yet not feel the same way emotionally. Separate your emotions from reality- although it feels vulnerable, it is actually a sign of courage.Â
In fact, I still have to remind myself of the same thing.Â
Trust me, it’s not just you.
Or actually, don’t just “trust me,” go out there and test this out for yourself! Only you can experience the truth.Â
What is one thing you can do today to begin the process?
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