TheXponential | Biyang Wang, LCSW
Remote Psychotherapy & Consulting
It’s Not Just You.
It’s Not Just You.
You know the Drill.
“Hi! How are you?”
“Fine! How are you?”
“Fine!”
That’s such a standard script that for most people that it has essentially become a reflex. When was the last time you actually paused after the first question, thought about how you actually feel in the moment, and then shared it? For most people, it’s far a rare or non-existent occasion because a). Do people actually want to know about your personal issues? b). Do you even trust this person? c). It’d feel too vulnerable.
There’s nothing wrong with a smile and cheerful greeting, but it has gotten us in the habit of keeping a positive persona, but never finding the emotional release that happens from talking about our struggles and difficult feelings. Over time, the act of pretense becomes internalized, so that we leave it in the very back corner of our mind, forgotten.
But the results can be devastating. It brings about a sense of shame, loneliness, and depression that eats away at our self-esteem, darkens our outlook on life, and keeps us from developing deep relationships. To share with others about our financial troubles, career frustrations, relationship breakdowns, feeling overwhelmed, or just the chronic underlying listlessness feels too vulnerable for most people to overcome. What would others think of me? Will they think I’m weak or incapable? What would that say about me?
So when everyone thinks in this mentality, the no one talks about the hard stuff. And in an endless cycle, we all believe that other people have perfect lives and that we are the only ones dealing with it.
Even if we intellectually know that everybody has gone through or is going through something, it’s hard to emotionally feel the same way when we all stay silent.
What are some of the most common things that people think about but that no one talks about? In no particular order, my clients have revealed the following:
- Feeling bored, stuck, frustrated, tired, or disillusioned with their jobs.
- Still paying back student loans, and now mortgages, dealing with childcare, and still living paycheck to paycheck.
- Having what other people refer to as the “perfect marriage” when in reality the two people barely communicate intimately.
- The feeling of loneliness when they come home to an empty house at the end of the day.
- Emotional issues – feeling depressed, anxious, overwhelmed.
- Wishing that their lives to be different.
- Wanting to take a risk or make a major chance, but are afraid of failure, pain, or embarrassment.
- Social comparisons, and feeling that they are not good enough, not strong enough, not pretty enough, not rich enough, not fit enough, not think enough, etc. any other “Not… Enough’s”
- Feeling envious and jealous of other people’s lives as portrayed through social media.
- To be constantly surrounded by people and things happening, and yet feeling lonely and unlikable on the inside.
That’s not an exhaustive list, but they point out some stressful and common areas that often lead people to seek help from a professional. Of course, you may experience these issues (if at all) at various times in your life, on various levels of intensity, and with a different set of consequences, but nevertheless, it’s the stuff that we believe we MUST hold inside and that can absolutely NOT be spoken aloud.
Because everyone thinks: What if it’s just me?
In the end, the problem itself is not the problem. Maybe problem is not even the right word, because life is full of ups and downs, and at any given moment, our lives may be leaning towards feeling more stressed out, content, or exhilaration. Quite often, we live in the zone between the extremes, and it’s difficult (also unnecessary) to over analyze your experiences.
The trouble becomes when we keep things on the inside, so much so that we do not seek help when we need to or wait until a nervous breakdown before seeking out help.
Here are a few things to consider that may help you open up about vulnerable situations:
- Pretend that a friend or co-worker has chosen to share this with you. Would you judge him/her as you’re afraid of how others would judge you?
- Do you remember the last time you chose to talk about something that’s been making you feel down? How did you feel afterwards, especially if the other person expressed sympathy?
- Your experiences do not define you, but contribute to you becoming and being who you are. In fact, on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the most true, how much do you truly believe that this event defines the essence of who you are?
- What is so bad about someone else looking down on you for your experiences? What do you think about the type of person who acts that way towards other people? Would you want this person for a friend? So why do you care what this person thinks?
- Being heard and understood by another human being is a very powerful thing. It reduces the feeling of isolation and gives you an instant sense of relief and community.
With all this said, some things are intellectually easier to understand, but are hard to implement. So how can you begin he opening-up process?
- Begin with the people closest to you, like friends and family members to observe the feelings that come up after sharing your struggles.
- Talk to people who’ve already shared their personal things with you, so you know that they can appreciate the power of human connection and sympathy.
- Find an absolute stranger – in a park, on the bus, stop someone in the streets – to just say something out loud. This may take some practice, or only once. The goal is to emotionally experience the kindness of people and reduce the fear of living in a judgmental world.
- You don’t have to talk to a person, talk to your pet, a bird, an animal. It’s not silly at all! You know you’ve done it before! Or just say things out-loud while taking a walk in nature or in a quiet space. The act of translating your thoughts and feelings into words can be an insightful experience.
- Are you religious or spiritual? Speak to a Higher Being/Power/Presence, and then observe your post-response.
Follow this line of logic:
- When was the last time someone shared something personal with you?
- How did you react?
- If you were dismissive or unsympathetic, why? Was it because you thought negatively towards that person or you were simply dealing with your own stuff and therefore had little empathy to spare for others? Maybe you were busy at the time and was distracted? Perhaps you didn’t know how to best react?
- If you felt sympathy or empathy, why? Was it because you could relate to something similar? Or perhaps have had a loved one go through a similar experience?
- How does it feel to be the receiver of something personal? Did you feel more connected to that person? Did it leave you feeling more generous and accepting of others?
Just remember that no one is perfect, and that our lives are filled with imperfections, which is inevitable to being human. Accept that you can intellectually know this fact, and yet not feel the same way emotionally. Separate your emotions from reality- although it feels vulnerable, it is actually a sign of courage.
In fact, I still have to remind myself of the same thing.
Trust me, it’s not just you.
Or actually, don’t just “trust me,” go out there and test this out for yourself! Only you can experience the truth.
What is one thing you can do today to begin the process?
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