TheXponential | Biyang Wang, LCSW | How To Build Positive & Nurturing Relationships

How To Build Positive & Nurturing Relationships

April 10, 2020 No Comments Expert Tips,Relationships Biyang Wang, LCSW

We all know that relationships are important. Humans are social animals, and connecting deeply to other people gives us a sense of acceptance, belonging, and safety.

This concept makes good sense intellectually, but just like with other important things in life, it’s easier said than done. We lead very busy lives and a healthy and nurturing social life is one of the first things to be tossed aside. When life becomes a whirlwind of obligations, commitments, or a history of bad experiences, relationships feel like a luxury.

While developing and sustaining strong and healthy social networks takes time and energy, the benefits are enormous:

- Improved mood
- Lower stress and anxiety
- Boost your confidence and self-worth
- Help you overcome the tough times
- Motivate you to dream big and reach your goals
- Bring more meaning, joy, and encouragement to your life

Below, we offer some tips which can be realistically incorporated into your daily life. Many of them take a bit more work upfront, but once you establish a routine, things will come more naturally. Some also asks you to be thoughtful, and really figure out a method that fits your individual needs and lifestyle.

Feel free to try one, multiple, or be inspired to come up with your own (and share them with us too!).

Invest In The People Who Energize and Support You.

How do you know when you’re in a supportive and nurturing relationship? This individual is someone you trust, and with whom you share a deep level of communication and understanding.

This is someone who will:

- Accept you and love you for all of who you are
- Express genuine interest in what’s going on in your life, and respects what you say, think, and feel.
- Listen to you without judging you, telling you how you “should” think or feel, or changing the subject.
- Openly share with you things about themselves

Trust, respect, openness, and acceptance works in both ways. This person is someone who you feel comfortable seeking support, but who also feels comfortable coming to you.

Focus on how this individual makes you FEEL, rather than how things appear to be on the outside. It doesn’t matter how popular or well-liked this person seems on the outside. If it’s someone who tries to control you, constantly criticizes you, takes advantage of your generosity, or brings unwanted drama and negative outside influences into your life, it’s time to reconsider whether this is someone you want to be a part of your life.

You don’t have to like everyone you meet, or to feel the pressure to be accommodating to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. It’s OK to distance yourself from people who drain your energy and make you feel bad about yourself. Trust your instincts. It’s more engaging and meaningful to have a few deep and caring friendships, than to be loosely tied to hundreds or thousands of Facebook “friends.”

Stay Connected.

A nurturing relationship takes… well, nurturing. I know that we lead very busy lives but just because someone is easily reachable via technology and social media, doesn’t mean that a once-in-a-while “Hello, How Are You” is enough to sustain a long-term meaningful relationship.

Even if the two of you live on different sides of the continent and can’t see each other often in-person, regularly sending a meaningful text or catching up over a Video chat is crucial in deepening the bond.

In fact, schedule these connections on your calendar or set regular reminders on your phone or computer. Set a weekly or monthly standing meet-up to catch up. You don’t have to pour your heart out every time. A simple message or brief chat, done consistently, sends a strong message of care and support. Consistently builds security, reliability and trust.

If circumstances prevent in-person meetings (such as social distancing), having a coffee date or sharing a meal virtually works just as well. Be creative, and figure out together what is best for both of your needs and schedules.

Trust Takes Practice and Courage.

If you’ve had a history of being in hurtful and unfulfilling relationships, it makes sense that you are cautious about trusting someone else. Being open and revealing your true self can be scary, because you can’t be completely sure beforehand how the other person responds. Even if your relationship starts out well, you may be concerned that this will end in pain, just like some of the previous ones.

These are all natural fears, because it’s a way that we protect ourselves. However, by avoiding relationships, you are also shutting out true love, acceptance, and support.

Try to open yourself up to new experiences, and take things as slowly as you need to. Don’t expect yourself to become deeply connected with the next person you meet, but create moments of possibility. When you connect with old acquaintances or meet someone new, try to share something personal, such as a frustrating colleague at work, losing your patience with your child, or about the stress of having so much on your plate. Give other people a chance to love and support you. Over time, you will feel more at ease with building deeper connections.

Manage and Set Realistic Expectations.

Being in a long-term relationship (of any kind) requires a lot of emotional investment. Over time, your consistent devotion and caring has made you more attached to the other person, and you develop greater hopes and expectations for maintaining the level of fulfillment and satisfaction that you derive from the relationship. As the connection deepends, we may experience a fear of loss, and therefore hold on even tighter.

However, it’s important to manage your expectations so that the relationship continues to be fulfilling and energizing, rather than stressful and draining. You may have come to count on the other person for consistent support, but it doesn’t make sense to expect that your romantic partner respond to all of your texts throughout the day, or that you friend is available to comfort you at 2 AM. A relationship is a joining of two individuals, where each person is responsible for managing his or her own life, in addition to nurturing the relationship itself.

It’s useful to have a discussion about communication preferences, availability, and timelines for responding. If you are anticipating a lot of work-related travels coming up, let your partner know that you will be busier and may not be as available. This shows that you are putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, anticipating their needs, and planning accordingly.

Balance Being Alone And Being Together

Setting boundaries is important and healthy to ensure that Intimacy is not about sacrificing your own well-being for the sake of the other person’s needs, but creating a balance between having personal space and being devoted to spending time together.

Being in a positive and supportive relationship means that you are taking care of your personal needs: eating well, sleeping well, staying active, engaging in hobbies, hanging out with your friends, and being responsible for your personal well-being. In order to be fully present with someone else, you have to first feel whole and recharged. Otherwise, you are running on emotional debt, and only have scraps to give. But shouldn’t you leave the best for the people you can the most about?

If you haven’t done this before, have an ingrained belief that self-care is selfish, are hard-set on your current schedule being airtight, or simply roll your eyes at this whole idea (even though deep down you believe it and want it), you’re going to encounter resistance. A lot of it may be internal, but sometimes people who are used to your pampering and agreeableness will try to sabotage your efforts. Brush that off. That’s stuff they need to deal with themselves.

You can start by blocking out 10-15 minutes on your calendar, and then increase the frequency and/or duration as you accumulate successes and find your rhythm.

Then, with the same conviction that you used to prioritize yourself, set aside time to spend with just the two of you. It can be a weekly date night, or weekend brunch, or doing an activity you both enjoy. If you can’t go out, cook together or have food delivered, followed by a movie. Or spend a relaxing weekend morning or afternoon together sipping a cup of coffee/tea together while chatting. It’s not about planning the perfect activity, and more about how prioritizing and spending quality time together is not just talking the walk, but walking the talk of love, commitment, and devotion.

Growing Closer Through Rupture and Repair.

Individuals are not perfect, and fittingly, neither are human interactions. We each have our own struggles, which means that we may not always be emotionally available to our loved ones, friends, or colleagues. Sometimes we are busy, tired, distracted, or are so absorbed in our own lives that we unknowingly miss someone else’s attempt to connect. Vice versa, just because someone was dismissive doesn’t automatically mean that they’re rejecting you as a person or no longer enjoy your company.

If you feel hurt, don’t be afraid to express those feelings, focusing on using “I feel…” statements and avoiding assumptions about the other’s person’s intention. Give the other person an opportunity to explain their behavior. You can even offer an observation, “You seem really distracted today. How are you doing?” If you notice a pattern of distancing over time, and the other person being unresponsive to your attempts to repair and reconnect, then assess whether this is the right person for you.

Long-term relationships naturally experience ups and downs, tears and repairs. Working through difficulties and riding the waves together will make your relationship even stronger. When everything is going smoothly and everyone is all smiles, it’s easier to be together. It’s during those trying times that you can identify the people who are willing to work through the discomfort, and you can count on to be there when you most need their presence.

Take Responsibility For Your Own Fulfillment, and Build A Community.

Movies don’t tell the whole story. A famous scene from the movie Jerry McGuire speaks volumes about what our society labels as true love and commitment. Towards the end of the film, when it seems like the two lovebirds are not meant to be together, Jerry (played by Tom Cruise) frantically rushes to Dorothy (played by Renee Zellweger)’s house, and in a dramatic display of passion, declares, “You complete me,” to which Dorothy swoons and melts on the spot, and replies “You had me at Hello.” Jerry’s desperate love-stricken declaration suggests that finding true love is about finding your other half, to fix the broken and incomplete parts of ourselves.

The movie reflects a common societal myth, that romantic love is about finding that person who can satisfy your every need, and finally bring us happiness.

The ideal is to be with someone who can be your best friend, confidant, lover, mentor, cheerleader, parent to your children, travel buddy, financial security, etc. But can you imagine how overwhelming and how much pressure it is for someone to wear so many hats, on top of taking care of themselves?

It’s important to create a support network for ourselves consisting of people who share our different interests, relate to different parts of ourselves, and provide support under different circumstances. Your partner may not appreciate your love for college basketball or playing pick-up basketball on the weekends. Vice versa, you’re not into growing your own organic produce, or cuddling with a book before bed. This doesn’t mean that the other person doesn’t care about you, but that they find joy in different activities.

What happens when the two of you have an argument? Eventually the two of you should talk about it, but if you’re still emotional and need to vent, it’s more satisfying to call your best friend, a close family member, or someone else you trust. After you’re calmer, you are better able to communicate in an effective way.

Again, yes you are busy, but feeling connected and engaged is beneficial for all areas of life. If you don’t have your tribe yet, there are many ways to meet new people:

Volunteering is a good way to help others, meet other people who share your passion, and give you opportunity to regularly practice and cultivate your social skills.
Take a class or join a club allow you to find an outlet to express your interests and skills, and to connect to others with common interests. You can search Facebook groups in your area, or check out Meetup.com to help connect you to different people, or you can start your own group.
Attend lectures, performances, and other events in your area to learn about the latest developments in various areas of Art, Music, Research, Booking, etc. For example, Eventbrite.com can point you to the events happening in your area, and allow you to buy tickets from their platform. You are likely to meet others who are new to the area and also want to connect, which is a good way to build friendships.
Join your alumni association, where people already have their academic experience in common, which already breaks the ice. They often offer networking opportunities, sponsor events, or workshops, which can be social or professional oriented to help you grow in various areas of your life.

If you prefer to be alone, don’t overwhelm yourself by signing up for everything, but try out a few things or have a list handy. This way, you know where to go when the mood strikes.

If you’re stuck inside for a while… many groups are holding virtual meetings, so the additional commute or finding parking won’t be issues.

Knowing When To Seek Out Professional Support

If your relationships are experiencing some road bumps, consider seeking couples therapy. People assume that couples therapy is for romantic partners only, but that’s not the case. In our practice, we’ve seen co-workers, families, best friends, and many other pairs at various stages of their relationship. Some are looking to improve communication, some come as a preventative measure, some are on the verge of separation, and others have fallen apart, but want to give it another shot. Whatever the reason, if you deeply care about each other, are willing to work on the challenging areas, and want to have a future together, then having a professional who is experienced or well-trained in couples therapy can provide an additional perspective, wealth of knowledge, and the structure to move through this journey. You can look on Psychologytoday.com to locate the therapists who specialize in various areas, learn about them through their bios and websites, and connect with them in a way most convenient for you.

I know that strategies and tips are easily more spoken than achieved. If you are reading this, then you are aware of this missing part of your life, and are willing to try new ways to help you build the loving, nurturing, and supportive relationships that you’ve always hoped for. There isn’t an exact recipe or magical formula, but the tips and strategies we’ve discussed are ones others have found helpful and effective. Ultimately, it’s about finding what resonates with you, and you’re in control to decide.

We would love to hear about your experiences and stories!. Tell us what you’ve tried, what has or hasn’t worked, and other thoughts or ideas coming up for you!

Which one appeals the most to you? Which one will you try first?

We are here to support you, so don’t hesitate to reach out! You can also schedule a consultation when you are ready.